Back to the beginning...

After my epic melt down, I was determined to pick myself up.  I had fought many battles in my life before, but this type of deep darkness was unfamiliar.  I have always heard that the devil shows up the same, but in many different forms.  Well, if this was the devils form, it was taking a hold of my spirit, but not my soul.  My spirit seemed to be tainted, but my soul wanted to fight. I remember pulling myself off the floor and looking at the bible that I always kept near my bed.  I could not open it, but the view of it told me something or someone else wanted me to fight.  It was a battle between, why should I keep standing, and ‘please keep standing’.  The battle was on for my life and the first prizewinner would have the honor of taking home my soul.  I knew there were people around me who loved me, who wanted me to keep smiling, keep living, and keep fighting. The question was did I love me, did I want to keep smiling, and most of all did I want to keep living.  A true test of my will came upon me one Monday driving home from work.  At this point, I was still in autopilot mode.  It was a clear fall day as I drove home from work. It is funny how things can be so clear on the outside, but jacked up on ones insides.  There is a sharp curve in the road near the exit before arriving at my house.  While taking this sharp curve, a thought flashed in my mind.  “Just let go of the wheel, ram your car into that light pole...no one would care”.  As soon as this thought manifested, I grabbed the wheel tighter with tears rolling down my cheeks and made it home as quickly as possible.  How could taking my own life be an option!  It was clear that I was in a true battle for my soul.  The gauntlet was down and this meant war.  Wow., but who would be the worthy winner of my soul….#helpinghealhearts...