I sit writing about my journey, yet the tears continue to flow. However, I must continue in order to receive closure. This part of my journey I dubbed ‘the land of the nothingness’. The only way I can describe this land of nothingness is that, nothing felt right. The way I breathed, the way I walked, the way I talked…nothing felt right. In addition, there was nothing anyone could say that could help me return to the land of the living again. Part of my soul had died and the feeling of loss was deeper than I could ever imagine. I have had other losses in my life before, but loosing my child erupted so many foreign emotions and reactions that I was not sure where to turn. I fell into this ‘land of nothingness’. Reality was I still had to function enough to pay my bills, keep a roof over my head, etc. Therefore, I went to work each day in order to get the bills paid and rushed home to hide under the comfort of my warm covers. That rush home, to hide from the world was like a drug I had to have. The retreat from actually participating in life was my drug of choice (not to mention food). On the outside, I sported a smile, but on the inside, the emptiness was getting deeper. I was damaged goods. The land of the nothingness... Nothing good is happening and nothing bad is happening. You are just alive, walking, breathing, moving, alive, but not living. I could not feel life, as I once knew it. Every step I took was like dragging a block of cement around with me. BUT GOD#HELPINGHEALHEARTS…to be continued.
Author Valerie Lynn
Free thinking writer, advocate for women, and person of passion, Seeking to heal hearts.